Rei Rounds The Bends
by Hardman 5509
Summary: Usagi drags Rei into the deepest pit of hell itself. Can she survive this torture with some sense of sanity intact?


She didn't how much more she could take of this. Her foot tapped furiously against the floor to the point where small flakes of the ceramic had broke off. Her brow furrowed and remained crossed like a roaring gargoyle. Her eyes followed the back of her scurrying friend going through each shelf of each aisle of the lame super market, easily the worst stocked store in the entire mall complex. She glanced at her watch every minute, feeling like each second waiting around lasted an hour on itself.

"Hey…" Usagi started as she reached into a plastic cubby and pulled out a cheap wool stuffed hippo. "Yikes, this one is a little expensive…" She exchanged it for the smaller rhino. "A little ugly…actually, a stuffed animal wouldn't make a good gift." Throwing it back in, she got up and went down to change aisles. "Come on Rei!" She shouted down the aisle to her companion.

Rei felt like screaming out loud and dragging Usagi over to an internet café where she could just search the internet for what she needed without the hassle of wasting Rei's time. The only form of entertainment Rei could do without ditching Usagi was to think of the other things she could or rather do. She could be doing duties for the shrine, working on the next chapter of her personal manga, hanging out with her other friends, going on patrol to root out any evil…hell, studying for school seemed like the better choice than mindlessly following the mindless Usagi down the same aisles looking at the same crap without a definite end goal.

"You think this will make a good gift?" Usagi greeted Rei after pulling out from the metal store shelf a huge, ugly, fake stone clock. Rei moaned and rolled her eyes after glancing at the false gift, but not within eyeshot of Usagi.

"For god's sake, no." Rei muttered under her breath before sighing and forcing out, "No, Usagi. Unless this special person really likes clocks…"

"Okay then." Usagi shrugged and put the item back down and kept on looking, skipping down the aisle. Rei held back screaming by biting down on her hand and letting out a painful cry out annoyance. But she pushed on, for the sake of their friendship. A friendship built upon loose gravel, but still a friendship worth keeping regardless.

But this terrible trial just had no end in sight.

Usagi had skipped her way down through the shoe department, thankfully not stopping to search through the sea of senseless shoes. But Rei wasn't so lucky in the clothes department, as Usagi painstakingly searched through each display rack for different colors, collars, and sizes of some rather ugly t-shirts. Rei peered her eyes over to the underwear aisle, perhaps the one thing in this entire store worth anything. Might as well dress down in public and feel pretty. But no, Usagi made a beeline away from the clothes after, surprise surprise, finding nothing so Rei mentally waved good-bye to the only redeeming thing about the store.

Fists clenched together. Biting her lip. Tensed up neck. Sweat pooling. At her wit's end.

Just.

What.

The.

HELL.

Was.

She.

Looking.

FOR?

Rei tried to calm down by flying off into a happy place. Hunky men fanning and complimenting her, exotic food waiting to pass by her lips and deliver a sensation to her mouth, a calm and refreshing light-blue river for her to bathe in, fans of her work coming up to her to ask for her autograph, a civilization of proper people who obeyed her laws…Usagi dancing a apron in front of Rei.

"Wait, wrong size." Usagi realized as she left the twitching Rei standing back in the middle of the empty aisle.

Rei was done playing around with Usagi. She stormed down with thunderous steps after the blonde and with a trembling hand, turned around Usagi to face her. Rei snorted before demanding with a barely-controlled trembling tone, "Just what are you looking for." Usagi felt a bit nervous around Rei while she wore a uneven maniac smile and wagged her finger. "Tell me."

Usagi shrugged half-heartily.

Rei took this as an offense to humanity itself and grabbed Usagi's shoulders and shook her around like the mad woman. "WHY ARE YOU WASTING TIME?!"

"'C-cause I-i do-o-on't kn-now-w w-ha-at to-o-o get, and-d I d-don't-t m-m-much-h ti-im-me t-to-o or-oder-r onli-ine-ne?" Usagi got out as she got mixed like a cocktail. Rei groaned out loud and let loose of Usagi, who stumbled around and nearly fell over. Rei grumbled out some incoherent words with no meaning before turning back to Usagi, who just managed to regain some balance. "Sorry, but I'm in a rush." Usagi apologized. "I need to get it today and before five."

"We've been here for two hours." Rei reminded her with a dead tone. "It's four."

"Oh shoot!" Usagi slapped herself in the head. Rei got some enjoyment from seeing this. "I completely lost track of time!" She started to rush down the aisle, merely glancing at each item. Something she was something supposed to do hours ago. Rei spluttered out some angry words as she raced after Usagi. "Comeoncomeon…" Usagi mixed together her words as her feet and eyes darted through the store.

"Stop, stop, stop!" Rei ordered as she laid a firm hand on Usagi's shoulder, freezing her in place. Rei again turned Usagi around to face her. "Okay. Stop." Usagi, with wide eyes, nodded. "All right." Rei let out a breath of fresh air to cool down. She then asked, "Okay. What do you think is the right gift for this occasion?" Usagi's eyes reared up to think about it for once. Rei could hear the gears clicking and spinning inside of Usagi, but none of the machines were producing anything. Rei controlled her inner anger in the form of a heavy grunt. "Let's start from the bottom. What kind of gift is best? Something normal, platonic…sexy…"

"Uh…" Usagi scratched her head. "Something in between sexy and platonic?"

"Okay, okay." Rei raised her hands in the air to ease out the air around the two. "And you're on the cheap, so nothing shiny." She tapped her chin before coming to a conclusion she overlooked in her madness. "Actually, wait…wait. Who are you getting the gift for?"

"It's a secret." Usagi shot up.

"That doesn't make things any easier." Rei gritted past her teeth before letting go to speak normally. "Can I at least ask the gender?" Usagi shook her head no. Rei's shoulder dropped and her back leaned over. This insanity wouldn't end. But in her frustration, she realized something.

Mamoru, Usagi's supposed boyfriend. This shopping trip from hell didn't seem to veer towards anything Mamoru would be remotely interested in. They hadn't hit the book section, nor looked through the man's clothes section for any sporting clothes. Heck, they went through the shoes without a second look, and both Usagi and Rei knew that Mamoru burned through tennis shoes like they were cups of fine ramen. Usagi mostly kept her search to girlish toys…save for that ugly clock.

"You okay?" Usagi asked, finally catching on. "You're about to burst a vein…" She pointed to Rei's forehead. Rei reached up and touch the pulsating vein. "I can treat you to a relaxing smoothie…"

"Yes, yes." Rei repeated in an annoyed tone. "Come on!" Rei took ahold of Usagi's wrist and dragged her to the food court. Rei grabbed a large cherry-flavored shaved ice drink and chugged it down while Usagi twiddled her thumbs, waiting. Rei could fear her mind slowing down and cramping up as a result of quickly downing a frozen treat. But she didn't care; it got her mind off Usagi's brainless search. As she ran her hands through her hair for no purpose, Rei asked Usagi, "Usagi. I've been thinking."

"With brain freeze?" Usagi shook her head. "That's hard."

"Yeah." Rei agreed without a second thought. "Why don't you get…this person you wouldn't refer to by name nor gender…something that's actually relevant to that's person's favorite things? Like color, favorite animal, favorite food…stuff like that? Why don't you go get something like that and meet me back here?" Rei waved her hands like a puppet would. "I'm fine."

"O-okay…" Usagi stuttered. Rei could hear Usagi get up from her chair, push it back into the formal position, and walk away. At least the living headache machine had left, so Rei could return to her happy little place without the idiot interrupting it. The people of the world were happy to see their ruler returning and held a grand feast consisting of Rei's favorite foods, like fugu and slices of sizzling hot vegetarian pizza. At least the men in her dream world actually treated her well and respected her…

"I'm back."

Rei looked up to see Usagi carrying a tall orange bag from the store 'Clarkson'. Blinking a few times to clear out the mental cobwebs, Rei turned her head up to look upon the tall clock in the middle of the mall. Apparently, she had actually got some sleep within twenty minutes time. That of course meant Usagi found something in a good amount of reasonable time, reinforcing the paranoid idea that Usagi purposely wasted time in the first store. Rei grumbled and got up with a start, knocking over her chair in the process.

"What did ya find?" Rei asked as she got her chair back up.

"It's a secret." Usagi chimed.

"Why did you bother bringing me along then?"

"…moral support?" Usagi tapped the bag. "I did find something great with your help!" She tapped against the bag to make her point. "But I got to go, I got to meet go meet my friend in about five minutes."

"I'm coming along!" Rei shot back. "After wasting two hours in that cheap dive, I deserve to know who I wasted my time for!" Rei jabbed a finger into Usagi's chest. The blonde didn't retort or even make out a plea, she just looked at the clock and ran off towards the meeting point. Rei let out yet another cry of annoyance and gave chase. Usagi gently pushed through the crowd leading out of the mall, while Rei outright barreled through those people. Usagi ran out of the main building and headed into an easy-going club nearby. Rei tore across the way between the two buildings and jumped up and beyond the wooden staircase into the club. Usagi had melted into the crowd, but Rei elbowed her way past these people, looking for the one girl with the meatbun hair.

And there she was!

With Minako?

Who was carrying her own gift?

And then pulled in Usagi for a deep kiss that lasted well over a minute and had the two moaning in pleasure. Rei's mind had reaching a breaking point.

"OKAY." She approached the two, who broke the kiss off in surprise. Rei's once beautiful appearance had been transformed into a cruel combination of a slashed smile and erratic eyes. Usagi had gotten used to Rei's new face and only felt a little scared. Minako's first experience with the new Rei had her gasping. "CARE TO EXPLAIN?"

"We're dating…" Usagi started. "Which means you can date Mamoru without any problems?"

The mere thought of the free claim to the hunky Hercules calmed Rei down a bit, so she dropped the maniac manifestation and become something a bit more approachable to others. "And this is something you decided to keep secret from the other scouts?" She then asked.

"We were going to tell…" Usagi started, now naturally nervous instead of being scared. "…but whenever we tried to open up…the words just died."

"Not for me." Minako shrugged, quickly gotten over the rabid Rei. "But Usagi wanted to do it herself, so I waited until she worked up the proper courage…or until we were caught." Minako's perverted smile made it clear that the relationship definitely had a strong sexual side to it, which gave Rei a rather nice image of Minako being the main mistress to Usagi's reverential retainer. Hopefully Minako's whip would leave twice the welts on Usagi's back tonight as revenge for what Rei had to go through.

"Well…" Rei scratched the back of her head. "I guess I can keep this a secret until you're both ready to come out to the others." A smile returned to Usagi's face, generally warming Rei's cold condition. But a rather mischievous thought came to Rei, one she couldn't ignore. "Hey. Usagi, Minako?"

"Yeah?"

"Hmm?"

"Why don't you go ahead and open your gifts?" Rei pointed to the shopping bag and the actually wrapped gift. "I mean, we have a REALLY long day. There's no need to wait until you get home. You first Minako. Usagi spent hours finding the perfect gift for you" Rei might as well find some enjoyment in seeing what stupid item Usagi picked out.

Rei's mind returned to the shattered state when Minako pulled out of the bag a light-orange negligée that hid nothing and told everything. A little trickle of blood started to drip out of Rei's nose as she realized the prospects of the outfit, but the blonde girls didn't notice. Minako just squeed at the item, treating like she just got a uniform from a top university. Usagi clapped at Minako's little dance while Rei just looked off into empty space.

"Wait." Minako stopped. "Usagi, open your gift please." Usagi did as ordered and pulled out a second a slight pink teddy. More blood trickled out of Rei; from both nostrils. "We got the same outfit!" Minako declared.

"Tonight's going to be the funniest and sexiest sex we ever had!" Usagi added.

Now the small stream erupted into a flood as the muffler milldam broke and lead Rei fainting into a small pool of her own blood. It was a combination of both stress from the demented devoir and the sensual speculations that hit Rei with the one-two punch into la-la-land. This finally got the attention of both Minako and Usagi, who came to their unconscious friend's aide, forcing the date to end before it even really began.

Rei would wake the next morning, with two torn pieces of a paper towel placed firmly in her nostrils, coated in dry blood. As she unblocked her nasal passages, she noticed that she had been sleeping on a couch bed in Minako's alluring apartment. Rei's memory was a bit hazy, she recalled the misadventure in the mall and the confrontation in the club. But she couldn't recall how she got here…something about nightwear? Rei threw up her hands, letting out a weak groan as she searched for the bathroom to clean up. Instead, her hand fumbled onto a different doorknob, twisting it open to reveal a sight that got Rei to start remembering.

Minako and Usagi, both getting colder as the air conditioner blew into the now open bedroom, just watched in shocking silence as Rei's face redden up and burst out more blood, once more fainting. But the good news for Rei? The day was now over.


End file.
